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Bar Game Blues
by John Bierbaum 
Are you abominable at billiards? Have you put so many holes in the wall around the dart board that your favorite drinking establishment won’t let you play anymore? Did the “Big Buck Hunter” say you missed that deer despite your best Nintendo “Duck Hunt” tactics (read: press gun muzzle up directly to the screen and pull the trigger)? Are you tired of missing two-foot putts because some jerk bumped you as you were delicately pushing the roller ball forward? Or are you simply sick of the same old gaming options at bars and still find yourself wanting to burn off as much of that Miller Lite as possible while at the bar? Sotans, you are in luck, because I have more games for you to play than the Parker Brothers and Milton Bradley combined.
I went up (twice), I went down (twice), I went left, I went right, then I went left again, and right again. I even went B, A, select, start. I scoured the Twin Cities for you. Thank me now (Do it!) and buy me a beer later, for I have found a few most excellent bars that specialize in odd forms of entertainment. Half Time Rec This is the same bar where the Grumpy Old Men hung out is a perfect place to play Bocce Ball or Hammerschlagen. The Bocce Ball rulebook reads like Tolstoy (if he was a lawyer), so I will cut through all the digressions and doublespeak and give you the Cliff’s Notes version: It’s a contest to see who can roll a ball closest to a target. You roll your ball and hope that you get to do your best Happy Gilmore, stare over at the opposition, and hit that high falsetto, “Some-body’s clo-ser.” Teams of 1, 2, or 4 players compete, with a total of four balls per team. One player would roll all four, two players would each roll two, and four players would each roll one. A coin flip usually decides who throws the target ball called a pallino or jack. The pallino is tossed underhand somewhere in the playing area. The person who threw the pallino goes first. Each player alternates rolling the ball towards the pallino. There is also a shot called a “volo,” which is an aerial throw meant to knock your opponent’s ball away from the pallino. This type of tactic is considered bush league in some circles, so I would ask first before attempting, or you may find yourself in the midst of a vicious bocce ball brawl (such as the scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure when the bikers want to stomp him). Once all the balls have been rolled, the scores are tabulated. The team with the ball closest to the pallino will get one point. If a ball is leaning on the pallino, two points will be scored. There is one scoring team per round and the team will score points for every ball closer to the pallino than their opponent’s best ball. Matches generally go to 12 points with a must win by 2 rule. Half Time does have leagues which usually take place on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The other option for recreation at Half-Time is Hammerschlagen, which has a rulebook much easier to comprehend. When I asked the friendly bartender about the game he said, it’s just a bunch of guys hammering nails into [stuff]. I think that about sums it up, except the [stuff] is usually a block of wood, and I guess I kind of editorialized the bartender’s choice of words. Brit’s Pub Lawn Bowling is the game of choice at Brit’s. Unfortunately, like Bell’s Oberon Ale, it’s seasonal (spring and summer). There are leagues, but they are full. There is a waiting list, but it’s about as long as Tommy Lee’s drumstick. The good news is that even if you aren’t in a league, you can still play. Find out all about availability by going to this link Lawn Bowling. The rules are so simple, the girls from America’s Top Model could figure it out in no time. Lawn Bowling is much like Bocce Ball, except it is played on a grass surface and throwing of the ball through the air is never allowed (you’ll put craters in the finely manicured playing surface, which looks and feels like a green on a golf course.) Two teams of 1, 2, or 4 players compete. Each team rolls four bowls per end, aiming at the jack in an alternating fashion. The team with the closest bowl to the jack gets one point and scores a point for every bowl that is closer to the jack than their opponent’s best bowl; there is a maximum of four points per end. Teams can decide a winning score to play to beforehand or they can just play until their hour is up. Remember, “Tossers [people who throw instead of roll] on the green will be tossed out on their arse.” Otherwise, have fun. The Herkimer Pub Shuffleboard doesn’t have to wait until you retire and move to Ft. Lauderdale. The table shuffleboard table at the Herkimer Pub lets you play indoors, without any fear of the dangerous UV rays. An added bonus: as an inside game, you can hit up the Herk for shuffleboard during all eight months of Sotan winter. There are several different versions of this game, but the most common one is called, “Knock Off.” The rules are similar to Lawn Bowling and Bocce Ball. The game is generally played one-on-one or with two teams of two. If playing with teams, the team members will stand on opposite sides of the table. The winner of the coin flip can either decide either the color of the “weight” they will play with or elect to have the “hammer.” Possessing the hammer means that your team will have the last turn, which is a huge advantage. Holding the hammer enables you to knock off any weights the other team has slid into scoring position. Because scores are not tallied until the last weight is thrown, holding the hammer allows you to potentially erase all the hard work of the other team. A weight must cross the “short” line and not exceed the “long” line to be considered in play. Should a weight not come to rest in this designated playing area, it will be cleared from the table immediately. Teams/players will alternate sliding the weight to the other side of the table. The object is to get your weight to stop in a scoring zone worth 1, 2, or 3 points. If a weight is hanging off the edge of the table it is worth 4 points. The team with the deepest weight on the table is the scoring team and they will receive points for every weight that is deeper than their opponent’s best weight. The scoring team of each round will go first in the next round. If there is a scoreless round, the team with the hammer in the previous round will go first. Games can be played to either 15 points (Tournament Play) or 21 points. Winners are declared the “Supreme Champion of Everything” and members of the opposite sex will swoon at your feminine or masculine excellence. Beerlay – A Game of My Own Creation I have told you what is out there; what follows is what should be out there. This game of my own invention could be the pillar of the bar gaming community. My game is called “Beerlay” and the awesomeness that ensues is unparalleled. First, you need a long, skinny table (15-30 feet…think the tables Bruce Wayne and Mr. Burns dine at) or a wide railing to place shots of beer or other alcohol upon. There are a minimum of two contestants, no maximum, and team competition is encouraged. The object is to take the starting shot and run to the other end of the table and have another shot, then run back to the end you started at to take yet another shot (the number of laps depends on the number of competitors). The first person or team to finish wins and will be hailed as being glorious, much like my boy Blue. Falling is discouraged, as it has resulted in the end of many a Beerlay career, and trips to the hospital are not good times. The game is under modifications, and no longer includes the juggling of knives while running along the table. There are still many kinks in the game which need working out. I am considering requiring that contestants wear the sumo wrestler suits in order to pad their inevitable falls. Feel free to adapt the game however you see fit in order to keep contestants from becoming grossly disfigured. However, if you get hurt or die or something else bad happens to you, I didn’t make up the game, it was Oprah; she did it. Hey, any bar can place a Photohunt on the bar or try to pass off a change machine as a video game, but why not spend your money at bars that show some effort to entertain Sotans? Whether you are against pixilated animal cruelty, your New Year’s resolution was to lose weight without cutting back on the beer, or you have been mercilessly mocked for your inability to perform the standard bar game rituals, then you now have some new games and places to try out. 
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